My Raw Being Project *Updated Feb13, 2013

I feel that I must do this.

Otherwise I might be lost forever.

This personal project is in fact very simple.

Or to simplify matters in my life.

I will write down my emotions and thoughts down

Good Bad Right Wrong, I'd express.

The end goal for me is

To know and to love and to be content with my own life.

Sometimes I feel that my mind runs so fast

Sometimes I feel that my heart changes so rapidly

Sometimes my heart has to chase my mind

Sometimes vice versa

Rarely in sync.  Rarely in harmony.

I must be honest with my emotions, also my thoughts.

If I can't even be honest with these feelings and thoughts that I own,

How can I really honor my own being?

How can I truly honor others if I feel so lack of?

Many people would think that I'm blunt and honest to myself already.

Thank you, but I know I am not.

I must dig deeper with my own being.

If an emotion arise, I'll just express it.  I believe it'll leave once I let myself express it.

There may be anger, disappointment, fear, lost, joy, content, loneliness, love, furious, confused, irritation, frustration...

Whatever they are, whether it's (good) or (bad) in the eyes of our society or the eyes of your morality.

I must express.

I'm not here to seek righteousness or holiness.

I am only here to voice out my own being.

Or my thoughts,  they may contradict with my other thoughts, there may be some sort of dilemmas, the fact is, I know there must be, and I first have to accept (not agree) them  before denying them.

I might have been denying them for too long.

I will not resist anymore.

I will allow my emotions and thoughts flow through me.

In this "Raw Being Project", my rawness might offend someone,  please let me apologize in advance.

If my rawness'd offend you in any ways, or make you scared to talk to me, it might be a good chance to ask yourself why.  If in the project I'll lose some friends, I sincerely hope you'll come back.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  I'm just trying desperately to explore myself.

For me, I'm doing this, I have to let them out, let them all out.  I have to search within me, deep within me.

By doing this,

I'll keep updating this entry, if there's a thought, emotion arise, I'll write them down in order.  There will be a new blog to this, http://myrawbeingproject.blogspot.com

Newer entry will be below this entry.

Or it might be just encounter on the phone or talking in person.  

Please bless me if you are willing, because I believe this might be my only way to be free and content.

Thank you all.

Adrian Tsing 程理高

2 Feb, 2012

****************************************************************************************************************************************

2 Feb, 2012. Thurs. 

2:42pm 

I feel less stressful after writing this entry.    

4:04pm     

 I feel quite happy and peaceful.

7:51pm

                     春妹，老爸很想你。有时侯我怕太热请吓怕你。有时侯，爱，真的很困难。怕太多，也怕太小。

Feb 3, 2012  Fri

10:30am

Finally stopped. Heart feels hurt, but that's just the start of it.

Feb 4, 2012  Sat
9:19pm
I miss connecting.

Feb 5, 2012 Sun
1:45pm
I wonder, sometimes when I want someone to change, is it because I want her to be a better being?  Or do I just want to be more convenient?  It might be both.
4:48pm
感覺，還是空空洞洞的。
Feb 6, 2012 Mon
6:58am
Perhaps, I have been looking for love outside of me, desperately.  It's time to look within myself.  Search for the love I was born with, or may even be abundant of.
7:27am
After this realization, I feel how much strength I have, how much I already have, my body, how complicated yet magnificent!
Feb 7, 2012 Tues
5:55pm
Feeling joyful. Glad to let thoughts and emotions out and being understood. Thankful.
7:59pm
I noticed, humor is a great way to resolve crisis :D
Feb 8, 2012 Wed
11:42am
今天我的好朋友罵了我一頓，說我不懂珍惜別人對我的好。我感覺他說得對。但為何會是這樣？而怎樣才算是珍惜？怎樣去珍惜呢？什麼才是珍惜？
原來，「珍惜」對我來說有點陌生。
8:39pm
感覺窩心。
Feb 9, 2012 Thurs
2:20pm
滿足。滿滿的感覺。
Feb 10, 2012 Fri
1:43am
Sharing in progress.  Thankful 中.
Feb 11, 2012 Sat
1:48pm
Superb honest conversation. Feeling relieved, and understood. Again, thankful.
2:22pm
真好。
6:39pm
From nervous to calm. 我發現原來我緊張的時候係會defensive的。好的觀察！
1:52am
Kinda disappointed, kinda hurt, kinda mad that just because you're not opening up, and I become your target to be blamed. I hope someday you'd be brave enough to look inward, you'd find peace. I know you are so sensitive and yet too scared to look inside.
12:33pm
I'll keep on making space for you out of love. I hope you'll see yourself eventually. That's all I can do :)
3:36pm
Surprised that Whitney Houston died, been inspired by her songs.  48 years of age, still so young.
3:57pm
Just went outing with a good friend's family.  I always feel so warm when there's a family gathering.  Of course the family has to be 融洽。
我想有一個自己的家庭。一定是很幸福的。
4:47pm
I just noticed, love and strength are related.
Feb 13, 2012 Mon
12:34am
剛想起，你記得我的女神是誰。
心裡感覺暖暖的，因為你會用心聽我分享的事情。謝謝你。

1:07pm

A slight feeling of fear arises when I woke up. This time, I will not resist but look into it. Fearless to explore ones fear. Allow today to be wonderful :)
3:33pm
清理家居中。我發現，對我而言，我的心和家居的清潔有著微妙的關係 :D

Feb 14, 2012 Tues
2:26pm
No entries will be made today. Want the feelings of mine to be private just for today.
Feb 15, 2012 Wed
9:54am
Feeling nervous and unsettled. Unpreparedness makes me nervous and worried.
Feb 16, 2012 Thurs
12:10pm
滿滿的。
7:51pm
Missing piece of heart. Bitter sweet.
Feb 16, 2012 Thurs
10:29pm
Feels curious, eager to learn.
10:40pm
Want to go to Canada with you.
Feb 17, 2012 Fri
7:15pm
Feels better after sleep n meditation.
Remembering that I'm only responsible for my half of a relationship. I'll share my thoughts n feelings, but the other person has the space to react on them. Continue to be genuine.
Feb 18, 2012 Sat
7:54am
我要看真實的事情。
3:06pm
Thank you GT for being so honest with me so that I can see the whole picture :D. Thank you.
Feeling so good when more things are clear and 通透。
6:56pm

To me, what keeps MIFF going is love. The love which I did not see, the belief which I wasn't able to see, the strength which I thought I didn't have but you guys assured me. Thank you my dearest Gloria, for believing in MIFF when I had doubts. My dearest ansun, you are one of the best ppl I met in my life. My dearest Fai, soulmate, yes, that's it. My dearest Ying Tao, thank you for reminding me that I'm a great leader. Thank you dearest circle, you share my pain and I was able to find comfort in it. And of course the other MIFF family members. I LOVE YOU ALL.
Feb 21, 2012 Tues
6:13pm
Why am I still feeling unresolved? Am I fine with the unresolved feeling? Feel it and move on :)
Feb 22, 2012 Wed
2:24pm
That Missing Piece
Somewhere along the way
I must've dropped it somehow
Long time ago
To find it would be like a needle in the big blue
Ooo
Where to begin
I'm ready to search for it
Somebody tell me where is it
I have no fear to find my fear

But where to find
Oh where to find that missing piece
Oh where to find
Where to find that missing piece
But where to find
Oh where to find that missing piece
Oh where to find
Where to find that missing piece
Feb 23, 2012 Thurs
2:47pm
I feel fine :)
Feb 25, 2012 Fri

2:35am

Sharing makes me feel abundant. 

5:27pm

虛happily :D
10:39pm
從現在開始，在他或她不在場的話我決不會再談論他或她，要談論的話就要這人在場才說。
還有，從此也不會輕易武斷別人。
說別人，多麼的容易。
人言，我畏。
別人所說的，我不能控制。
我只能控制自己所言的話。
緊記。
10:51pm
hurt 㗎。
Feb 26, 2012 Sun
12:02am
Being listened to and being understood are indeed blessings to me.
Thank you.
Feb 27, 2012 Mon
5:34pm
這麼興奮和心安才知道原來自己的底蘊是有擔心自己的工作方向。
Thanks so much DAD!!!!
6:31pm
忽然想起我的两个女儿。你们都好吗？
Feb 28, 2012 Tues
6:38pm
Go For It!!!!!!!!!
Feb 29, 2012 Wed
4:30am
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
9:21am
The illusion of rejection has blocked my views on reality.
9:47am
Stay still, just stay still. Feel the pain and then move on.

3:07pm

My student has composed her very first song today. Though the song is very simple, strangely this song echoes deeply with my heart today.

"I had a good dream

And I was happy
I woke up

And realized that it wasn't real

It made me sad

It made me sad"
Mar 2, 2012 Fri
12:01am
又有志同道合的人了，真好。
1:11pm
Working happily.
Mar 3, 2012 Sat
1:55am
Just realized that I can get hurt when not being agreed or listened to.
The issue is not from the issue itself.
The issue is how I deal with the hurt and why I get hurt.
I'm sorry, I got hurt.
Mar 5, 2012 Mon
11:56am
A quote from Eckhart Tolle.

In about the year 60 BC, Roman philosopher Seneca wrote this:"There are more things that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality."Not only anxious thoughts, but also resentment, grievances, pointless complaining, guilt and regret, criticism of self and others, perpetual discontent...... are ways in which we unconsciously create suffering for ourselves. They arise in imagination (the mind). We need to recognize that these are all unnecessary baggage that brings a heaviness into our lives and strengthens a false sense of self. When you recognize their pointlessness, you can let go of them and then MOVE THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT UNNECESSARY BAGGAGE, enjoying the present moment, including its challenges. And so the present moment becomes your friend, and you begin to experience life as supportive, rather than hostile. This is the miracle of transformation.

Good Reminder for today :)
Mar 6, 2012 Tues
2:13pm
Receiving Blessings.  It's actually the first time I received blessings publicly.  Feeling joyful, excited, thankful and looking forward to walk with you in our path.  But right now, I enjoy this moment.

5:11pm

I truly hate watching the wall drilling in my house especially if the person isn't too experienced. Makes me nervous and I do not like that.

10:45pm

Thank you for treating me dinner tonight. Thank you for keeping in touch with me for 15+years :).

Glad.
Mar 7, 2012 Wed

12:01pm

原來，我是一個specific的人。
8:00pm
I feel that I want and need acknowledgement.  I feel inadequate, but why?
If you were to praise me everyday would I be truly happy?
I doubt that.
But why am I craving for that?
First, resist not, but to explore.
Dear, you're doing so well already.
Mar 10, 2012 Sat
2:59pm
Felt so right after deciding that the project must not be done in June. :)
Felt more energy to make it well!

Mar 11, 2012 Sun
2:00pm
我感到我們都有進步。
Mar 13, 2012 Tues
4:02pm
About wounds.  About fears.  About nervousness.
About letting go.  About letting others in.
About reality, about imagination.
About body.  About soul.
About desire.  About love.
About respecting.  About overlooking.
About over reacting.  About avoiding.
About love.  About being heard.
About being loved.
About desperation.  About hesitation.  About frustration.
About liberation.
About being free.
About freeing others.
About loving myself.  About loving others.
About loving you.
About loving me.
About.
Mar 14, 2012 Wed
6:30pm
Working happily.
Mar 15, 2012 Thurs
10:16am
Quote from Neal Donald Walsh

"Your job, your invitation from the Universe, is to give people back to themselves. You can do this every day, in a hundred ways. All you have to do is look for the best in that person, and then show it to them, right then and there. Describe it. Admire it. Thank them for it."

Mar 16, 2012 Fri

11:57pm

Learning to honor my own being and be still with it right now.

Mar 18, 2012 Sun

8:36am

剛發現，來了這個世界一萬三千二百一十七天。原來已經萬幾日。

Mar 19, 2012 Mon

8:46am

I felt a strong overflowing love between the two of us last night. Felt so content and abundant.

Mar 21, 2012 Wed

10:35am

Adrenaline pumping inside!

It'll be a great training, I can feel it!!!

Mar 22, 2012 Thur

2:15pm

One fine day!
Mar 24, 2012 Sat
11:39pm
Feeling kinda strange.  Is it too much to ask for for you to sit down and talk?  Or is it painful to meet again?  I wouldn't know since you wouldn't show.  I wish you all the best.  Life goes on and I am enjoying my life and will continue to do so.  

Mar, 15, 2012

2:43am

We have accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing in this conversation.

I feel angry and disappointed that we are still focusing on who's right who's wrong who's got good attitude and who doesn't. Completely waste of time while we could share so much and so deep. Feeling frustrated. We have not evolved as we have thought we have. Is this anger talking? Maybe.

I hate this eye for an eye thing that we have so strong engraved in our minds. Absolutely hate it.
Mar 27, 2012 Tues
2:28am
Egos came back.
Mar 29, 2012 Thurs
10:25am
I noticed, egos are nothing but illusion.
Mar 30, 2012 Fri
10:42pm
今天舊的洗衣機送走了。
還記得當天媽媽帶我去馬鞍山市中心和我挑選我喜歡的洗衣機送給我。
還記得當日的感覺。
溫暖，窩心。
媽媽，你好嗎？
你已經離開了我們差不多4年了。現在，心不會再痛。爸爸跟哥哥跟我也很好。你的孫兒快要出世了，如果你還在的話你一定會很期待很雀躍。我們也是。如果你在，會多好，會多齊整。
再想
如果嫲嫲跟爺爺公公婆婆大姨還在會更更更齊整。
但
人會走
人會來
生死是我們必需上的課題。
念
原來也是必修科。
不捨
也是。
放手
也是。
說再見
也是。
媽媽，這一刻，我很掛念你。

11:49pm

聽到你的聲音時，我的眼淚便流了出來。

大概，是因為我感覺到安全。

衷心感謝。

現在，心還是戚戚然。

這念還在，這不捨，

還在。

Apr 6, 2012 Fri

11:45pm

I sense that family has the warmest feeling. I am thankful to have a good family!

Apr 8, 2012 Sun

12:00pm

As we were cleaning out the closet yesterday, I found myself from time to time quite nervous. And yes, nervousness makes me uptight and lose the enjoyment of the moment. Dear, sorry about that, I know that you could feel it and tried your very best to be understanding, I'm sorry to be quite trouble at times and thank you for loving me and seeing me beyond all these crap. Thanks dear.

Apr 9, 2012 Mon

7:37am

I'm more delicate then you think.

Please take great care of me for I'm fragile.

About the abandonment issue.

The rejection of others, especially from love ones is fearful.

I find myself going to two directions when facing the fear of rejections.

One, I shut myself down so that hurt will seem to be minimized.   If I don't become naked in front of you anymore, then the hurt wouldn't be so great.  That, seems to be an illusion because my heart would still tell me I'm doing such thing, and worst of all, I could still feel the pain.

Two, I'd find faults in you so that you'd have lesser chips to judge or reject me.  The more faults I find in you, the less rejection I feel I'd likely to receive.  That should be an illusion also because my heart would still feel hurt when one rejection is received.

Maybe, it's all about getting serious.  

Love hurts, yes.  

Love is to put down all of the weapons down and be naked hoping the others will not shoot you while you're in that state.

After all, am I really that delicate?  I mean, physically I've learned that I am more powerful than I thought I used to be.

What about managing hurts and rejections?  Can I have the power to just smile and let go?  Or not dwell into it?  Or rejection itself is an illusion also?

I'm not too sure.  I must not resist these feelings though because,

What resist, persist.

Take care, Adrian Tsing.

11:21pm
Looking forward to get close to you. For it is one of our best ways to express the love and care for each other.
Apr 11, 2012 Wed
2:22pm
意外地拍攝到蝴蝶飛過，還要在相片的中間。感謝大自然今天的厚禮。
這相片是大自然給我的構圖。
現在，轉送給你們。
Have a wonderful day!

6:09pm

I miss you dearly.

Apr 12, 2012 Thurs
11:51am
The reunion yesterday night with old school buddies were so precious. Knowing them for almost 30 years and started reacquainted again was magical. Dwelling in the past joyfully. Didn't really have much time to talk about the present. These kinda talks, these kinda relationships, these kinda reconnection, what else can I say besides being intensely thankful?

April 15, 2012 Sun

12:55pm

How does my heart feel right now?

How does your heart feel right now?

My heart is telling me that everything is gonna be ok.

What is your heart telling you?

I wanna thank you for seeing me, seeing me beyond the present me, seeing me inside the outside me.

I feel thankful.

I hope that I'm doing the same to you,

giving you space,

giving you freedom,

giving you love,

giving you understanding,

giving you time,

giving you safety,

giving you companionship,

giving you courage,

giving you opportunities,

giving you inspirations.

Dear, you are literally free to do anything you want in your life.

I'm here to support, and back you up if needed.

Please feel free and safe to listen to your heart and have the courage to follow it.

I love you.

April 18, 2012 Wed

1:12pm

Dear mom, four years ago yesterday was the day you left this earth.

Lots have changed during these four years.

Today, I will bring this homemade beautiful flower to you.

It's not your favorite yellow rose yet (We are planting a pot and it'll be ready on our next visit), but I'm sure you'd like this.

Mom, I love you and missing you around.

Apr 20, 2012 Fri

12:24pm

Am I expecting too much?

Am I being too pushy?

I wish I know how to react to make you feel less pressured.

Sometimes love is hard, it is only because you become fragile and you have to make space for the other to grow though the fact is it's hurting me.

I will not go away, still.

Please take care of yourself and me.

Apr 23, 2012 Mon

1:56pm

Full of love.

This is a day to remember.
Apr 26, 2012 Thurs
10:06pm

我，今年三十七歲。

有的，我的確覺得自己開始老。

曾經介意，

曾經擔心自己不再年青不再「潮」不再是社會的cream。

但最近跟中一的同學連繫上（其中一個還是小學同學）

自連繫後，我不段反問自己為何我們只管談過去而又這麼享受談過去時的感覺呢？

是否活在過去是否總是覺得過去才是美好？

肯定不是。

我知道我們三人都努力在當下活得好好的。

但這些回憶為何會那麼令我們動容窩心？

肯定的答案我沒法說明，也覺得沒這個必要去找。

我只知道，當我們談過去的時候我的心會感覺很軟，很暖。

今天，我再不會害怕自己年紀大開始老。

因為如果沒有這三十七年，

我不可能會擁有：

沒有互聯網沒有地鐵不用開冷氣沒有八達通萬里長城長又長一寸魚蛋要一蚊東南西北天下太平埋州點穴猜皇帝紅綠燈大風吹宿營記念冊電風扇摺扇在摺扇上畫畫寫詩轉書白飯魚罰企碟仙銀仙聖誕咭用手寫信墨盒漏到成個書包墊版side pan木顏色營光彈弓鎖匙扣Raidas Beyond關正傑周潤發楊過小龍女張曼玉遙遠的她沒有了橡筋的襪中英數社自健褓母車藍色玻璃校巴漢堡神偷醒目仔時間430長長頭髮兩眼發清光爸爸很高媽媽很高超合金火水爐打邊爐沒冷氣巴士高達呀寶爺嫲爸媽哥我們一家六個人得六個號碼的電話1151 1152 108 玩電話3字九龍5字香港0字新界飛機在頭頂經過港督尤德植樹問題。。。

還有很多很多。

這些，都是沒有任何人可以拿走的片段。

這些，都是跟老朋友和親人所經歷的點滴。

這些，都是會一直陪伴著我而會繼續陪伴著我。

多謝天讓我有個這麼棒的童年。

願我們，永遠低B。

Apr 27, 2012 Fri

11:20pm

失望。

May 10, 2012 Thurs

11:37am

"If we are painfully and brutally honest with each other, maybe we will get lucky again." House season 7 ep 2

12:14pm

Let's see how my heart feels right here right now.

The conversation last night was good. You got to hear the voices you've been hearing all these years. Thank you for letting yourself out and trusted me to be around.

What to do then? Nothing? Just acknowledge them and move on? What are these voices anyways? Why do they keep repeating until we believe it's true? What is the point in digging deep and finding the core of oneself? There're just so much pain, why? I have the urge of digging deep though. But why? So many fears and pains inside! Why dig them out? We have learned to cover them so well already, what's the point in raising them up again? What is deep inside anyway? The nothingness? The peacefullness? The calmness? Love? Love is in the core of our being? Is it true? Is it safe there? Just so many things and thoughts inside it seems impossible to dig them all out. We all carry this pain body with us. It's sad that we notice it and yet still carry it and even more sad when we don't know how to live without it. The shield is just so safe. But I've had a glance on what's inside the shield and I have seen the beauty of it before. Being in the shield made me hard, not able to feel what's underneath. But why need to feel underneath? What's the point in feeling when the feeling is painful and bad? Seems So many unanswered questions. Why am I so afraid when I don't feel passionate towards you at times? Knowing that would make the fear take over the love I feel for you which is the reality. I strongly believe love is the reality. Must we dig deep? Must we face our pain? Must we meet our fears face to face? Why??? Sometimes I find my being to be very interesting, sometimes when I resist something, it always gets worse, always. I know this is the phenomenon, but why? Why resist then persist? This is so strange but true!

Okay, now, what is my heart telling me? My heart is an encouragement agent, my heart is a reality reminder.

My heart tells me: Find the potential you, which is the true you, which is the original and authentic you. From there, you will be free.

Let's see.

May 12, 2012 Sat

8:24am

Am I seeing clearly?

Am I feeling clearly?

What is happening? Why am I so nervous about our relationship again? Why am I so uptight about your flaws again? Which feeling is my reality? Why is this unsettle feeling so strong? Why is your carelessness affect me so much? Why is your "maybe" selfish behaviors made me scared? Why feeling so threaten? I remember someone has said relationship is like a battle, don't ever lose one fight or else you'll lose forever. Sounds silly when I think of it now, but has this thought incepted deep within me without noticing? Dear, can you change to my make the relationship easier? This is my desire, but is it fair to you? Would it be fair to me if you insisted the same thing? I wouldn't want to. Can you be more considerate to my feelings? Are you not doing it already? Really? Why does this bother me so much? What's going on???? I'm so frustrated! What is really happening to you? What is really happening to me? I want to know the truth! I still believe strongly that our reconnection was the reality, that feeling of content was real and what's happening now is we are slipping slowly to illusion, that's all. But the question is, how to wake up from these bullshit illusion that we have constructed?

Help us angels! Please send blessings to our relationship. Our thoughts and egos have cluttered our relationship. Please help us see what the reality is all about, please help us see nothing but love.

10:18pm

Today is May 12, 2012.  Four years ago, earthquake touched down in Beichuan.  Sadly because of this tragic event, I got to know some of the most wonderful young people.  Today, I don't know what and how you're feeling.  Trust me, I can feel your sadness.  Although we are not together today, please remember that you are not alone.  Your past was tragic and devastating, I am in no position to tell you what to do in order to feel better, except, to walk with you, to talk to you, to sing with you, to eat with you, to play basketball with you, to hear your secrets with you, to share with you, to worry about you, to become friends with you, to connect with you, to listen to you, and to love you.

Please take care my dear friends in Beichuan, I love you all so very much.

May 13, 2012 Sun

5:45pm

Seems that I have awaken from illusion.  Thank you all of the angels who's been guarding me.

May 23, 2012

2:20am

沒有你在家，感覺很不一樣。

很「只得一個人」的感覺。重點是「只得」這兩字。

謝謝你令到這家滿有生氣。

May 24, 2012

12:03am

我看到時間，時間的流逝。

May 28, 2012

7:03pm

其實，害怕歷史再重演。

May 30, 2012 Tues

8:41pm

I miss you.

11:49pm

為何現在會發現自己不太習慣自己一個人生活？

June 1, 2012 Fri

3:24pm

今天，心情明明很好的。

但，現在卻給你弄壞了。

我只是很累，已經盡我努力去跟你好好的聊天。

但原來這累的感覺也會令你覺得我少了熱情少了甜蜜。

很過份。

你的不安全感，我可以理解。

但請不要將這些不安推到我身上。

而說我的不是。

這，真的很過份。

寫完這段文字之後，今天我再不會被你影晌到我的心情。
June 2, 2012 Sat
6:24pm
心情還是怪怪的。
Allow.

June 5, 2012 Tues

12:31pm

As I was riding my bike today, I noticed that I have some resistance listening to my heart when being alone.

Why is that? Is it because of fear? Fear that I might be guilty of something that when searching my heart would only lead to failure? Is this the Christian mind trick that I've been adopted and engraved long ago?

Guilt cripples the soul.

When love sets the soul free.

Also, my mind works like this, observation leads to interpretation, then leads to conclusion, then leads to impression.

But heart doesn't need this many steps.

June 7, 2012 Thur

4:18pm

今天再看到更多關於李旺揚先生的報道。

心有痛，失望，憤怒。

何時這個世界才可以和平共處？

人與人也好

人與動物也好

人與這個地球也好

不同宗教也好

為何人的生命會變得那麼的隨便？

不同的，便殺。

There's no heaven.

No hell below us.

Above us only sky.

Nothing to kill or die for.

No religion too.

Living for today.

Living life in peace.

No need for "greed" or "hunger".

No possessions

Sharing all the world

No countries

When will the world be as one?

All I am saying, is give peace a chance.

July 3, 2012 (Tues)

8:25am

心終於可以平靜一點。

我願意聆聽。

July 10, 2012 (Tues)

7:02am

Allowing to be lost, frustrated, disappointed, tired, angry.

Allowing to be found, home, loved, cared for, saved, free, eternal.

10:40am

一觸即發。
Aug 1, 2012 (Wed)
4:31pm
Faith.  Believe.  Blind faith.
Are these the things that I'm missing in life?
After leaving Christianity, I have never thought of losing a core believe anchor which I've hold on to for so long and what effect it has on me.
That was the blind spot.
I never realized what this missing piece had done to me.
Not that I'm saying I need "Christianity" back, but since then I don't have much to believe in.
Afterall, is it really important to believe something?
Something that isn't based on facts or reality?
Why?  Why is it so important?
But isn't it kinda pathetic if one has nothing to believe in if no facts presented?
Confused.
But at least this might be my missing piece.
Again, I'm not saying "God" or "Christianity" is what I'm missing.
Thank you :)

Aug 4, 2012 (Sat)

3:29pm

只恨自己學得太慢。幾十年，還沒看穿，看清。

Aug 7, 2012 (Tues)

6:40pm

Mother bird is flying away.
Baby bird will give nothing but love and blessings.
Goodbye, my mother bird.

Aug 11, 2012 (Sat)

10:32am

Dreamed of mom just now.

Third time since you died four years ago.

We were having dinner and you were beside me. I was crying lightly but luckily other people were playing music, so I started crying louder and louder. And I asked my mom to sit on my lap and let me hold her. We were both crying hard, holding tight.

Mom, thanks for being in my dream again, that's the only place you're still alive to me. Can you come visit more often?
1:55pm
What is it that I'm feeling right now?  So many cluttered emotions inside me.
Nothing is accurate.
Nothing is accurate?
Unease.  Uneasy.
Where is this so called "life" is leading me?
And what is fear leading me?
Do I still have the courage to dig deep?
Do I have the courage to see how much pain I've caused others?
Do I believe in anything without facts or partial truth?
Am I an atheist after all?
Do I still believe there's purpose in life?
If so, what is it?
I just wanna be true to myself, to others.
Truly.
Why is it so difficult?
I DO NOT WANT TO APPEAR LIKE A VICTIM.
I hate people doing that.
Am I doing that?
May be it's the truth about "What resist persist".
Anyway.
This sucks.
Aug 15, 2012 (Wed)
12:09am
「詞窮」
      其實我只是迷惘
      為何會變成罪人
      究竟可不可迷失
      難道我這樣自私
      是不是一定窮追
      空間也變成奢奓
      所有也像是多餘
      或許這想法愚蠢
      已足以導致分離
      這回我只能沉默
      再沒有其它辦法
Aug 26, 2012 (Sun)
10:35am
將東西拿走，其實怎麼可能是全部？
留下的，就是最瑣碎的。
而最瑣碎的，往往是最不顯眼的
這些，都是令人最難受
因為這都是生活時的點滴。
這當然，還有的是回憶。

Aug 27, 2012 (Mon)

12:20pm

Strange dream.

I was dreaming of wanting to ride to my old school.

Then in my dream I realized that I moved.

So I tried wanting to ride back to my old home.

Then I woke up n realized that it wasn't possible either because the places which I wanted to go was Canada, and I'm in Hong Kong.

I know it's not so weird but I wonder how logic works in a dream? Why do I have certain knowledge and logic in it but not totally? Who decides "how many" elements are included in ones dream? I think it's very interesting.

Aug 28, 2012

11:43pm

The salvation, change, improvement, solution, do not come from any person or anything outward. There's no need to seek desperately outward. Search within. It's all here.

Yes, it's all here.
Sep 3, 2012 (Mon)
10:53am

焦慮
 上星期，跟朋友去了海洋公園，玩了一些機動遊戲。
之後發現自己對過山車之類的東西原來有焦慮。
被吊到高高的時候，不是離心力最嚇怕我，而是那種被動嚇怕我。
當我的朋友在高處時可放鬆手腳而盡情去欣賞周邊的風景時，我卻怕得手腳捉緊得不得了，視線亦只敢望著地面的一點，因為感覺上沒有那麼恐怖。
問題就在這裡，如果我的任何緊張舉動真的可以令我安全一點的話還可，但任何人都知道如果機動遊戲有甚麼事故的話，不管你抓得那樣緊你仍然是會，跌下來的。

 搞笑吧？

 原來自己對生命生活也有類似的焦慮。如果事情是能控制的話，那盡管去控制好它。但人生很多的東西都是不能完全控制的，既然不能控制，為何不像我的朋友一樣，放開雙手，放鬆心情，去好好的看周邊的風景？

機動遊戲，總有一天我會在你上面輕鬆地欣賞風景的，等我。
Photo by: Gloria Tang

Sept 10, 2012 (Mon)

12:42pm

就算

就算有錢有勢，就算一世捱窮

就算事業有成，就算生意失敗

就算兒孫滿堂，就算孤家寡人

就算身體健康，就算病入膏肓

就算世界末日，就算天下太平

就算夢想成真，就算夢想落空

又如何？

我，有自由。

我，有活得快樂的權利。

我，有活得精彩的衝動。

我，還有不怕死的覺醒。

今天，如果我連死也不怕，或關於死所牽連的所有所有。

那麼，此時此刻，有甚麼還會令我害怕？

有了這基本的覺悟之後，所有所謂的恐懼也只不過是腦袋裡開的笑話而已。

來吧！這生命的旅程，從此時此刻到死的一刻也是快樂精彩的！

Yeah!!!!!

P.S.倘若有一天我忘了這些的話，請提醒我，或鬧醒我，

或打醒我，多謝。

Oct 2, 2012 (Tues)

1:42am

無常。

原來，每一天也可能是你或我的最後一天。

聽到這新聞後，心裡很不舒服。
4:38pm
斷腸。

Oct 16, 2012 (Tues)
2:31pm
"This Quietness"
I've biked to this place before.
Many times actually.
Today is the first time I felt this.
I'm not sure if I could explain this well in words.
When I get there I felt that the atmosphere was different
The quietness that I felt
In fact it wasn't all this quiet with the surroundings
But the quietness was different
It was as if my inner quietness echoes with the surrounding quietness
My hearing sense felt more sensitive
I could hear the surrounding more clearly
In comparison
My ears were coated before and now without.
That's the best I can explain
Strange thing was
This quietness came along with me until now
I still sense that peaceful sound inside or surrounds me
This is strange but I'm glad.

I believe this is a good thing to me.

Nov 6, 2012 (Tues)
1:36pm
Yesterday, I cried for a tree.
This was my very first time crying over a plant.
My heart was torn when seeing the chopped trunk bottom.
Talking about it made me weep.
Seems like losing someone close.
Yes, let's learn to be kind to nature.

Nov 10, 2012 (Sat)
2:12pm
Seems like I have a gift that I could connect to almost anymore.
But then
Who can connect to me?
Is my door shut so no one could enter?
Or is my door so small that not too many people can enter?
Or maybe I've invited people in but not feeling safe about?
Or I've invited people in totally but they ruined my place?
Or I have never really invited anyone in?

Nov 12, 2012 (Mon)
3:58pm

Been listening closely to many many "Rock" songs today. 

 Many of them were labelled as rebels or even satanic. To me, they were merely just trying to find life on their own ways. 

What I hear today is, 

 I hear honesty, I hear broken hearts, I hear soul searching, I hear desperations, I hear devastations...and among all, I hear love. 

Yes, indeed I did. 

It will always scare the shit out of people who sees others trying to strip life down bit by bit, not afraid to go deep and to find the truth, not afraid to ask tough questions on life or on themselves, even if they may never find truth this lifetime. 

Salute to Rockers, who are never afraid to express what's in them. Excuse my language since I'm in a "Rock" mode :D

Nov 19, 2012 (Mon)
1:35am
對了，這就是無力感
無力
之前的幹勁，樂觀，忽然間都變為無力
無力量
累
也許
累
確實
每一次其實都很用力去愛
叫自己不用怕
勇敢一點
今次會好的
今次會是最後一次
過去的，便用力去忘記或努力面對現在吧
或許每一次都太用力用死力
才會在某些時候感到無力
沒有了前行的氣力
不知所措
太多吧
太多孽太多罪太多過太多錯
自己也會被自己嚇怕
自己也會覺得羞愧
迷失
便承認迷失吧
空洞，也讓自己這樣吧
還要做些什麼
還要不做些什麼
我不曉得
已經不曉得了
什麼神什麼冥想什麼催眠什麼基督什麼塔羅什麼睇相什麼什麼
通通都試過了
什麼勇氣也出過了
請不要再說我什麼花心多情
我實在受不起這些形容詞
對不起
這些形容詞實在太沉重
所以
才累吧

終有一天
總會好過來的
終會

Nov 20, 2012 (Tues)
4:28pm
From fear of abandonment to fear of abandoning others.

Jan 7, 2013 (Mon)
11:32pm
這一次，不會再逃避。

Jan 11, 2013 (Fri)
12:18pm
我們都害怕。
害怕之後會襲擊。
襲擊之後會受傷。
受傷之後會再襲擊。
再受傷害。
再害怕。
再襲擊。
大概是這樣吧。
其實，我們都害怕被襲擊怕受傷。
怕。

Jan 14, 2013 (Mon)
12:20pm
今天執屋
屋跟自己的心情狀態太有關係
今天
要好好收拾心情
好好收拾「家」
善待自己的第一步

Jan 19, 2013 (Sat)
8:04pm
Just finished watching Lance Armstrong's interview on Oprah.
My heart did not feel comfortable watching it.
I was watching someone who was in open prosecution.
Yes, he disappointed millions of people, including me.  (I have his Livestrong bracelet also)
He lied and he lied big.
He got caught and he confessed.
He is probably one of the most competitive person I've seen on TV.
My heart is also broken for him.
For himself, and for his love ones.

I can't wait to see how this man would turn this around in the future.

Feb 13, 2013 (Wed )

 8:38pm 

The sad truth is 

We expect kindness from others While We are not kind to others.